I don’t know about y’all, but I am glad that some of the rhetoric about the dismal dating and marriage scenes for black women are starting to dying down. Now, even though things are pretty scarce for sistas, especially those with a degree or two, I sure don’t want to hear about it in mainstream media every day of the week. I mean, I have to live this life. I’m sick of Nightline, The Washington Post, and everybody in between making out like this is some new phenomenon. Please, we’ve been dealing with this for a minute now.
To be honest with you, when my husband passed away 7 years ago, I thought the only way I’d still be single is only if I wanted to be. Clearly in the three years I was tucked away in marital bliss (and by marital bliss, I mean all the rewards and challenges of marriage) things took a drastic change… for the worse.
There are many reasons for the change in the dating climate for black women. I don’t care to discuss them here. But suffice it to say, the pickings are pretty slim. So slim in fact, that there’s a noticeable effort by black women to date white men. Black women have long held fast to their loyalty of black men. Even when black men, especially those with money, started running to white women in droves, we remained steadfast in our faithfulness to them. Now that it looks like the brothas that fled ain’t coming back, and even more are joining the flock, sistas are finally jumping on the bandwagon to find love wherever it may be… even in the arms of a white man!
But little did sistas know, it would be a little more difficult than they thought. Why? Because white men don’t date black women. Yeah… harsh reality but true. There are many theories why white men don’t go black. A blogger named Abagond listed some common reasons on is blog: 1) lack of opportunity; 2) lack of education in (as in understanding of) black women; 3) lack of good looks in black women; 4) lack of friendliness in black women; 5) lack of acceptance among white friends and family; 6) lack of desire among black women. But he thought the primary reason white men don’t date black women is because: white men are racist; they do not want their sons and daughters to be black.
Now, I don’t subscribe to that at all. Sure, they may not want brown babies, but does that make them racist? I don’t want Asian babies, but that doesn’t make me racist. I thought his theory was pretty interesting but I would like to address theory #4 listed above, the lack of friendliness in black women.
I perused a blog written by a black woman several months ago that said the reason white men don’t date us is because we are perceived as mean, attitudinal, and sometimes even ghetto. We are loud, inconsiderate, and neck-rolling. She basically suggested we calm ourselves down to become more attractive to white men. Now, that stereotype of black women is just that, a stereotype. I know I’m a little kooky and over-the-top. But I know a lot of black women who are meek and mild… I’m just not one of them. But her suggestion to temper down our personalities, whatever they are, is asinine. I couldn’t tame all this fabulous energy even if I wanted to; not for a brotha-man and sho not for the otha man. Regardless of who I date, he has to accept a me the way I am. Kookiness and all. Just like I gotta accept him… the good and not so good.
Anywho, Sistas, I want to address the real reason white men don’t date black women. It is not because they are racist. And it’s not because of our strong personalities. Actually, it is quite simple and a monster of our own making. The real reason white men don’t don’t black women isn’t because of our image, it’s because of the strong image of the black man that we promoted for years. What do I mean by that? The sexual image of the black man that we help create is one who is well-endowed, virile, strong, and sexually pleasing. We have built our men up so much, that not only did that make them more interesting to our white counterparts, it also created a huge barrier between us and white men.
Real talk: The traditional image of black men is so strong that I believe many white men are afraid that they would not ‘be enough’ for us.
We already know that the male ego is extremely fragile. So what man, black or white, will set himself up to have his feelings hurt? Not too many. So, the real reason white men don’t date black women is not because of us, then again, it is because of us. It’s not because of our strong personalities. It is because of the strong image (sexually and otherwise) of the black male that we helped build. So there you have it! You can thank me later!
Note to white men: That well-endowed thing… it’s just a stereotype. And even if it isn’t, (which it is) most black women will work with what you have, as long as you treat her well. So white men, now that the myth has been debunked, feel free to rub up on a sista.