It’s NOT OK To Be Single
Posted May 15, 2012 by That Teowonna!
This is the question that was asked on a WACH Fox news segment a few days ago. I watched with intrigue as I waited for a suitable answer, which never really came. Instead of the truth, what I got was a bunch of selfish excuses why people, in this case, women, are not willing to settle down. One lady said, “It’s… so much more than, ‘I’m in love with you, let’s get married.” And another explained she didn’t go through with an engagement because, “…this (marriage) could forfeit my future…”
Are you serious? Is this what young people think of marriage? That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks… people are starting to buy into the notion of ‘it’s ok to be single’. But the fact of the matter is, it’s NOT ok to be single.
While I do believe that people should work on themselves while they wait/seek their mate, this perpetual lifestyle and mindset of singleness is dangerous, and dangerous in many ways. For one, it further breaks down the institution of marriage and family. Woman was made for Man. Bottom line. Period. Point blank. God didn’t take Adam’s rib and created Eve so she could be the CEO of a company. He put her here to be Adam’s helper. That’s it. So, should she head up a company? Sure, she certainly should. But not forsaking the family. To deny the man/woman partnership with this ‘it’s ok to be single’ mentality is to deny God’s plan.
Secondly, it promotes single parenthood. Follow me closely, now. While you are out there living your single life, you are still having sex… which leads to pregnancy. And since you’ve grown so comfortable in your singleness and are less willing to compromise, you are less likely to get married. In fact, with that temperament, you are actually unsuitable for marriage because compromise is a cornerstone of marriage. So, your pregnancy leads to yet another instance of single parenthood. A recent study showed that more than half of women under 30 give birth outside of marriage. You should find that very disturbing. And say what you want, this trend of children being raised in single parent households contributes significantly to our societal decline.
Thirdly, this ‘it’s ok to be single’ mantra is dangerous because those touting it are just lying to themselves, especially the older people. They are not happy being single. They are just trying to be happy in spite of being single. Many have just given up hope of finding someone and are psyching themselves out to soften the blow of loneliness; passing their hopelessness off as empowerment. Remember when Monique said, she was happy being fat and taunted skinny women? She felt that way when she didn’t think she could lose weight. But her story changed the moment she lost weight. Same thing with this singleness mentality. It’s ok to be single… until you find a man/woman. Then, all of a sudden, you join the masses of blissful couples who just can’t get enough of each other. And that’s ok… just be real about it.
God intended for us to be with someone. Many of us may not have found that person yet. And that’s cool. Enjoy your life while you wait. But be careful what you proclaim. Because it really is not ok to be single. It has major societal implications.
I am actually one of the young ladies in the video.. And what I actually said was that my situation did not lend itself to allow me to go through with that engagment…and the situation was in fact dire.. and would have literally forfeited my future. I have a very healthy view of marriage..but the questions were in fact: WHY do we think young women are not getting married. At the end I said I do hope to be married and I am dating now…but I am taking my time. I think before you begin to write an rebuttal to something that you saw it is your responsibility as a journalist to view everything that is there and even discuss how you could see both sides. As you do not know me or the other young lady in the video..you could not say where we are or how we feel. Our point simply was, us not being married does not mean that we don’t want to be, but we aren’t running out looking for it..When it comes we will know and we will be okay with settling down with the “RIGHT” person.
Thank you..
Angela LaBord
“Girl in video who certainly loves the institute of marriage and thinks you have it all wrong”
Angela, thank you for responding. Please, don’t take this personal… this blog is not about you. It is about a disturbing trend that I am noticing. The WACH Fox piece is yet another example of how women’s views regarding marriage are changing, which I think that is detrimental to society. That’s all… Nothing personal. BTW this is not a journalist piece… this is a blog. Big difference.
Teowanna,
Thanks for your response..it is a blog, but you as a blogger { which is a known form of journalism} and a woman stating that you are concerned about a disturbing trend that you are “noticing” and then making generalizations and {incorrect ones in fact}if you wrote the piece to shed light..then you do dis-service to the many women out there as you have not made the point. I will say here and on my own blog response.Is that your idea of what single is and what the true definition of what it means to be single is not the same. If you say that this is a disturbing trend you are noticing..then you have made it personal to you, but when you make incorrect judgments as people do every day someone who is writing to grow a following then you have made it personal..For me it is more about right perspective and you can read about mine on my blog later if you feel so inclined…Again, thank you for your time.
One thing… Blogging IS NOT Journalism.
Teowannana thank you so much for your time.I won’t argue over that..some blogging is not considered true journalism. Sometimes its just thoughts that people journal live and report on. You are right it sometimes thats not true journalism. I hope you have an amazingly, wonderful day!
you make some points worth considering and this is strictly a matter of opinion. i have a few points of view to consider as well. as a married man of 11 years i can say first hand that while marriage has its rewards, it also has no shortage of challenges. i think that people make the mistake of planning weddings, meanwhile neglecting to plan marriages. secondly as a therapist i can’t tell you the number of hours that i have processed hurt and fallout from marriages gone wrong and the damage it does to children. in a perfect world there would be someone for everyone, but since we live in this real world there are going to be single people. there are no absolutes in life except death. if people genuinely want to be single it is perfectly okay, however if people are desirous of being in a committed relationship and struggle to do so that may be an issue of concern. there is no sense being married for the sake of being married because “your supposed to do it.” that is irrational and will only end badly. what research doesn’t show in these cases of single parents rearing children is the ones who are damaged being reared in dysfunctional marriages. damage is damage.
Touché
Jesus did regard celibacy as a higher spiritual state than marriage.God has given different believers different gifts, different talents, different callings, different purposes, in the Body of Christ. So yes, its is okay to be single.Married people are more divided in their interests in serving God compared to the devoted celibate single man or woman.Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” So its better to married than burn.
I love this and I totally agree! I wrote an article similar to this on my own blog! Great to find another black woman who’s NOT all about being single ALL THE TIME
Thank you. And excellent analysis on The Game.
It is quite ok to be single. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with being a single mother, and there is nothing wrong with living your life the way you choose whether it be single or married.
*smh*
There is nothing wrong with being single or wishing to be married. People have the right & choice to choose how they live their lives.
Marriage is not the end-all be-all to life which is a big mistake. Like iWrite mention, people are planning weddings not marriages. Being married is not a cure all for being lonely.
I was raised in a single parent home and I’m doubt I contribute to the societal decline. What contributes to decline is raising children in a dysfunctional home, a home without emotional support, in deep poverty without any available resources or in a environment that does nothing but beat down on their self-esteem and dreams. This can occur in a single or two-parent home.
I am perfectly fine being single. I’m ok being by myself which means I won’t be likely to stay in failed or abusive relationships. If you’re not ok being by yourself, you won’t be any good in a relationship. Being with someone whose happiness is directly dependent on you is too big of a pedestal to step on. Commitment to another person is work and a continue exercise in compromise. If you not happy with yourself then your needs and wants will never be on the table. How will that make your partner feel?
Basically, it’s different strokes for different folks and just because YOU have a problem with being single doesn’t mean everyone else does.
Plus, I doubt highly God’s plan is for people to get married just because it’s something they have to do. God (or any deity) believes in love and bringing happiness overall so forcing yourself into a situation that will make two people potentially miserable when either one isn’t ready misses the mark.
Why is this aimed towards women when men are statistically more likely to be last to want to commit to marriage? And more likely to abandon a family, even after marriage? That and your use of the word ‘selfish’ is very puzzling.
Why are single women taking this so personal? For all of you who are claiming they are perfectly happy being single, when your ‘perfect’ (and I use that term loosely) mate stands directly in front of you, offering you a relationship, and you decide to remain single… that’s when I’ll believe you.
Not aimed towards women… aimed towards anyone who with the ‘it’s ok to be single’ mentality. Not gender specific. In fact, I linked to a blog from a man that proved my point…
“Why are single women taking this so personal? For all of you who are claiming they are perfectly happy being single, when your ‘perfect’ (and I use that term loosely) mate stands directly in front of you, offering you a relationship, and you decide to remain single… that’s when I’ll believe you.”
Please don’t start with the “taking it personal” argument cause that’s nothing but derailing the discussion.
You are making this into an all or nothing argument which to me is over simplifying the issue. Yes, there are women who are perfectly fine being single and all for various reasons. Some do not desire a relationship at all. Some until they’re ready for commitment. And others who are waiting for a partner who compliments them. And grasp, there are women who are gay who at this time can’t get married.
So, single women should just sit down & cry because they are not attached? That’s just silly to me. I don’t take issue to your opinion but I take issue to the belief that because I’m single… my life less worth living.. that in order to be completely fulfilled I need to be married.
If marriage was so great, half of them wouldn’t end in divorce. This is why I take the stance of not believing in marriage as a institution. I believe in commitment instead. I don’t need “marriage as society at large sees it” to be happy. What makes me happy is having friends and family, fulfilling career and making the best out of the life I have at the present.
I just generally tired of the belief that everyone needs to follow a prescribed list in order to be happy. Single life is not for everyone. Marriage is not for everyone. Let’s leave it at that and stop telling people you’re unhappy cause you’re not doing a,b or c. Let’s people make decisions about their life without the commentary of others’ biases.
Unfortunately, you and so many others have missed the pure essence of my argument. I take that as a personal failure. As a writer, I pride myself in being able to lay out an argument that is easy to follow, whether people agree or not. But based on the responses, I can see that I failed this time. Never did I say that being in a bad relationship/marriage is better than being single. My point is that the ‘it’s ok to be single’ mentality is making people desire marriage/partnerships less, in favor of this “I’m perfectly happy by myself” BS. That selfish mentality does not help society one bit.
Teowanna,
I think where you missed it is ..one you didn’t listen to what was said in the interview. It is okay to be single and content where you are…again it doesn’t mean that you don’t have aspirations of marriage, but you good where you are. I think just because it may be hard for you to contemplate that someone is content where they are is more of a “you” issue and not a single persons issue. As me and the other young lady stated in the full interview…. Marriage can add to one’s life..it does not make their life. I think when I read your blog the mistake I made was thinking that was you really actually cared about this issue..and honestly..Its “Selfish” to listen with your judgment and not with wisdom..because you are still saying NONE of what the interview was actually about. I think I have wasted enough time on this..and understand now what kind of “writing” you have going on here. I offered you the opportunity to speak to me about what you wrote as I was the one in the interview and also told you that what you said was NONE of what we said or how we feel, but alas..at this point there is nothing left to be said.
Thanks so much!
Angie, honestly, this was not about you. REALLY… it isn’t! Furthermore, talking with you about your personal situation will not have an impact on my belief. This is my personal thought/belief… the interview was just another instance that supports my belief. I understand that you are happy/content where you are in your life. I get that. But the point that I am making is that people are being less and less willing to compromise, tolerate, work as a partnership, etc for the comfort of doing what they want, when they want. That, in my opinion is a frightening trend for society. Everything is Me, Me, Me. No one is willing to put aside ‘me’ for the betterment of ‘we’. That’s all I’m saying. If you live in Columbia, I’m sure we will run into each other soon enough. We can talk about it then, if you like.
It’s Angela…and I am not just speaking for myself
As I said Teowanna and so many people who have read this… this blog is yours and it is your right to say whatever you want. I won’t waste any print on this any longer.. I don’t think we need to talk because it appears that you are not someone who listens or hears..but speaking is primary.
Have a happy Friday Eve.
WACH Fox listed your name as Angie in the article. You may want to correct them too.
“Not aimed towards women… aimed towards anyone who with the ‘it’s ok to be single’ mentality. Not gender specific. In fact, I linked to a blog from a man that proved my point…”
Except you specifically talk about women and not men. You say:
“what I got was a bunch of selfish excuses why people, in this case, women, are not willing to settle down” (You mention women not marrying for reasons you identify as selfish, and quote a woman’s reason, but you do not do the same for men.)
“Woman was made for Man. Bottom line. Period. Point blank. God didn’t take Adam’s rib and created Eve so she could be the CEO of a company.” (Again, you are explaining why women should get married, not why men should.)
You also talk about how getting pregnant and having a child outside of marriage is a bad thing… and yet you manage to never mention that that more often happens not because the woman doesn’t ask the man to be involved in her life but because the man chooses to leave. You really think the content of this article isn’t primarily aimed towards women, and telling them it is *their* duty to get married?
And by the way, I’m not single.
I am single and over fifty. I didn’t see the interview in question. I am reading the comments here and the comments are going off course;the question didn’t seem personal. Anywho, being over fifty it is hard finding men who are interested dating women over fifty. The women responding here seem a lot younger. The question still remains why are we single? I wish I had a non-personal,this is why God created Woman answer.
Teowanna, my love it is ok! Its not a curse; there’s nothing wrong with singleness; and its quite unfortunate we continue to hear it is not! Causing those who are single 2 feel like something is wrong with them! Far too often we look to someone else to complete us, to fill the emptyness, we rush into relationships because society will have us believe, “you have to have someone”, causing people to just do it, cuz “the people say” so! The word says “be thankful in all things” and those of us in this place called “single” must be grateful of this time the lord has given us (do u trust him?) It’s a waste of time stressing, being angry or dissapointed! Take advantage of this time without a mate to learn, grown, mature, advance, become a better woman, man, employee, parent, friend and lover, so that you can be better equipped to enter into a relationship! Pains from childhood, past relationships; the baggage- prevents one from being a successful two, you have to take the time 2 heal and its often difficult to look at yourself flaws and all, then to work at correcting it..but lord, when u do, life is so much better! You Have 2b ok with you, first, 2b ok with anyone else! and when ur, only then will u know who u need in your life, and be able to recognize it when it does come..you will attract it, because we are magnets! (as Iyanla says crazy attracts crazy!) So yes lovely,talented, opinionated and enterprising lady, it really is ok! it has 2b, if thats where ur …its ok 2b anything u wanna be, as long as ur ok with you first…so relax, its ok 2b single!
…the way you positioned your argument may’ve drawn people to the incorrect conclusion…but as i continue to read the responses..you’re saying exactly what everyone is debating…To say its ok 2b single is not saying its not ok 2b in relationship, it seems ur confusing the two. I didn’t see the story either, Janet asked me to be in it and we were unable to connect..but as “an older women touting this message” as your blog states- I AM happy..I Choose 2b Ok whatever the circumstance–that my dear is the mature thing to do…Ive not given up, I’m enjoying dating, open and looking forward to who the lord brings my way…and in the meantime-i’m doing me..and u can do both and be happy…frankly i don’t understand why that’s a foreign concept..WE should be telling men and women 2b ok, as i said before, only when ur ok with you, can u be ok and have someone else-perhaps if we do more of that–encouraging and lifting people up–those that are single..this “disturbing trend” that uc will diminish! Being two is not the end all be all of happiness, To use your words “Many of us may not have found that person yet. And that’s cool. Enjoy your life while you wait”-and that my dear is why its ok! thank you for a place where we can share thoughts and opinions!
Thank you so much for responding, Tre. Its a little surprising to me that every man I’ve talked to agrees with my premise but mostly womaen reject it. I wonder why that it… Men get what I mean. Women seem to be so offended by it.
I don’t mean there is something wrong with being single… It’s that single, independent mentality that is dangerous. It ruins people and their potential for good relationships. Quit frankly, I don’t see how tooting that it’s ok to be single will help one find a mate. Especially for women, I don’t think they’d find that attractive.
I agree with you… perhaps I failed as a writer for not laying my argument out as well as I could have. I take that failure very seriously. But men get it. Why do you think that is? Just curious.
Sounds like a great topic for OnPoint! Who wants to be a guest?
Excellent idea! Count me in.
Men get it and agree because if you outline the argument anything like it is outline in the above article. Your argument is in their favor, you relieve them of responsibility, and you give them complete power over the woman; “Woman was made for Man. Bottom line. Period. Point blank. God didn’t take Adam’s rib and created Eve so she could be the CEO of a company. He put her here to be Adam’s helper.”
Or in others “dude women are supposed to be your wife,your aide, and baby maker, nothing else! Why doesn’t she just shut up and take her position” Crude I know but it is how it reads..so yea very few men I know would disagree with that..most women not so much in fact it is a little offensive.
p.s.It is okay to be single..for everything there is a time and a season..a season to be single a season to be married.
But it’s true. Like it or not; favor men or not. Woman was made for man.
I’m in too Cynthia! for sure…it will be a great debate where prayerfully we can find some common ground..
Teowanna…i think men get it because of how ur positioning it! What i hear/recieve from your statement is that – there is a negative connotation to saying “Its ok 2b Single” you and I are not positioning it the same…even after you read my opinion you have come back and drawn the same conclusion..that somehow by saying you are ok with where ur-single…you are also saying its not ok 2b someplace else-in relationship in this case! One doesnt cancel out the other, love! They’re both ok! What i read from the responses on this post and me frankly is that high self esteem, liking who you are, being evolved enough to handle your life with grace, perserverance and positivity is the mature way to approach everything, including being single…thats a good thing T! Noone, least of all me, is saying “i dont want love”, “i dont want relationship” .. this is not a neck twirling, eye rolling, hand on the hip, finger snapping “I dont need a man mantra”! Its quite the opposite…Its-”Im single and Im not going to waste time being angry, sad, depressed or lonely..Im going to enjoy life, be positive and upbeat, im going to utilize this time working on me physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, so that I can attract and then give and recieve the love I deserve. That’s what I dont think you see or get from “Its ok 2b Single”…It’s a mature, positive, actually even spiritual take on singleness .. As i stated the WorD says “Be thankful in all things” so if we trust God, we have to beleive HE he has us in this place on purpose for purpose..and we must thank and praise him thru the lesson ..How can you not be OK with that, if ur a beleiver–if thats where you are..Why fight the inevitable! Enjoy the journey, on the way to your destination! I think any man would agree with that–hell thats what they do! Men dont stress about singleness…They’re ok with being single-so why cant we ?
If I may comment on your statement “It’s that single, independent mentality that is dangerous. It ruins people and their potential for good relationships” — Any extreme behavior is going to be dangerous..and being independent is ok..but if its to the point where they say they dont need anyone- then they sound like people who say “its ok”, but dont actually beleive it! (they’re actually still hurting and not healed at all!) Because if ur at a place in your life where you like you, you are ok with who you are -flaws and all…then you cant say it’s ok and still be angry, selfish – as you point out! Now you can desire marraige less, and be happy by yourself..i dont see that as being wrong/bad or ruining the fabric of America! Everything aint for everybody..and again when you know you, you know whats good for you! Yes men and women were made for each other-thats the way God planned it, as you point out–but is everyone made for marriage?! Not according to God–the Word actually applauds and even encourages singleness! The Word states we can do more for the kindgon when we are not married..So why not be ok being single..if thats what you want to be …You also state “Quit frankly, I don’t see how tooting that it’s ok to be single will help one find a mate. Especially for women, I don’t think they’d find that attractive.” — It takes more than saying it..anyone can say anything and often their actions prove them wrong! You have to actually be ok-and thats hard work! but oh girl, when you do the work 2b ok, when you are comfortable in your own skin–when you can smile thru the tears, speak to those who are mean 2u, walk on thru failure.. baby girl- its a freedom, a confidence that is actually quite attractive, indeed!
and man with the need for a woman..that is the part you keep forgetting, we were made for men okay, but you neglect the fact that men were made with a need us. If this were not true we wouldn’t have been created. The fact you never mention a man need for a woman is what makes your argument imbalance. I am sure if you went to your males friends and were like “you need a woman, to complete you (you are missing a rib without one), you were made with a need for a woman..their understanding of your argument would waiver..just saying.. the main problem I have with this article is its lack of balance.It seems unfairly aimed at women, as is the whole argument with the “black marriage crisis.”
and man with the need for a woman..that is the part you keep forgetting. We were made for men okay, but you neglect the fact that men were made with a need us. If this were not true we wouldn’t have been created. The fact you never mention a man need for a woman is what makes your argument imbalance. I am sure if you went to your males friends and were like “you need a woman, to complete you (you are missing a rib without one), you were made with a need for a woman..their understanding of your argument would waiver..just saying.. the main problem I have with this article is its lack of balance.It seems unfairly aimed at women, as is the whole argument with the “black marriage crisis.”
I think my point is completely misunderstood. I think being able to verbalize it would work much better.
But men never say they don’t need women. I have NEVER heard a man say that. It’s always women touting that. Besides… I never said a woman needs a man to complete her. I have no idea where you got that…
WOW you blew this one up T, Its ok for you to be single, but not for society. I ll tell you the truth more and more women just want to (to put it plan) “hit it and quit it”. Thats not the order of this land and it going to hurt and destroy society. Not that its your fault, person thats reading this. But it is what it is. Truth be told good marriages strengthens the people. Think about it
lol… It’s not ok for me either.